Thursday, November 8, 2012

New ordinance aims to make fixed-gear bicycles noisier, safer

A new ordinance at USU dictates that all riders of fixed-gear bicycles wear bells “like cats.” The ordinance was proposed to help reduce bicycle-pedestrian accidents, said University Sidewalk Department Safety Commissioner Chuck Hanford. According to Hanford, fixed gear bicycles — sometimes referred to as “fixies” — are too quiet because they don’t have a freewheel.

“If your cat is too quiet, are you going to wait until it trips you at the top of the stairs and you die, or will you put a bell on it so it can’t sneak up on you?” Hanford said. “Same concept here.”

Fixed gear bikes don’t traditionally have brakes because the chain connects the pedals directly to the rear wheel. To slow down or stop, riders put backward pressure on the pedals. Hanford said most riders can’t control a bike well with this method.

“Most of the skinny little hipsters you see zipping around can’t handle it,” Hanford said. “Their leg muscles get stunted by skinny jeans and they’re not strong enough.”

D. Ziggy Rutherford, the only fixed-gear bike rider to respond to our “mainstream” reporter, said he likes wearing the bell.

“It’s cool. I know some indie try-hards that don’t like it because it makes them sound like Christmas,” Rutherford said. “But I like it because it’s such a stupid rule. Intentionally liking a stupid rule is the ultimate irony.”

By Steve Kent

English department runs out of things to say about dead British authors

On Monday the English department of USU allegedly said the last thing anyone could possibly say about deceased British writers. 

Dr. Stuart Ellison, who reportedly spoke the last original thought about British literature, told reporters, “There was a feeling of finality. I was talking about Charles Dickens and suddenly I just stopped and realized there was nothing else to expound on.”

Ellison hasn’t returned to class since Monday, stating that his job as an educator is over. Many of his colleagues have followed suit, accepting that they are no longer useful to the continuing education of their students.

Others within the department are hopeful that J.K. Rowling will die soon, thus giving them purpose again and a fresh topic for future courses. However, aside from a slight cough a few months ago, Rowling has reported that she is in good health and plans to remain alive.

By Kendall Pack

Monday, September 24, 2012

Discovery of Jefferson Letter Clarifies 2nd Amendment

A historian in Kentucky discovered a letter this week that clarifies the much-contested second amendment which gives citizens the right to bear arms. The letter, written from Thomas Jefferson to his wife, Martha, discusses the purposes of the amendment as proposed by the attendees of the Constitutional Convention of 1787.

The document states, “We needed something that would allow our people to protect themselves but that would also set us apart as a nation.”

The amendment, according to Jefferson, allows citizens of the United States the right to exchange their human arms for the muscular arms of black, grizzly, or sun bears.

Jefferson wrote, “Given, this takes away our ability to wield rifles. But think of how cool and scary we’ll look on the battlefield. The enemy will wet themselves.”

The historian who found the letter, Gray Huddlestone, theorizes that the original meaning of the amendment was lost due to the lack of technology during the time to graft bear arms onto human shoulders.

But Gray is confident that the true nature of the second amendment can finally be realized, stating, “If we can find the right patriot to put into office, maybe we won’t see it, but we can hope that our children will one day see a time when men can maul other men with the hands of their brother bears, and where bears can shake hands with bears, bringing about peace in the bear kingdom forever.”

By Kendall Pack

Friday, September 14, 2012

President of Best Friends Club Unable to Find Vice President

The university’s newest club may be unable to get off the ground due to its lack of members. Keenan Elliot, president and founder of the Best Friends Club, said on Tuesday that he is still unable to find a willing candidate for the vice president position.

“Everyone I talk to seems to be pretty busy,” said Elliot, “but I’m starting to wonder if that’s true.”

Elliot started the club, hoping that “a bunch of people would sign up.” Sources close to Elliot state that his grating personality and lack of social skills may be to blame for the lack of attendance at the weekly meetings.

Said Elliot, “I even made t-shirts, so hopefully that’ll be some incentive.”

Elliot had 13 names of people whom he allegedly convinced to sign up for the club. None of them recall signing anything, but some have noted Elliot is, “pushy,” and, “doesn’t deserve friendship.”

Keenan’s mother, Tamara Elliot, said, “That’s so cute that he’s still trying to make that happen.”

Keenan is still hopeful that the club will become a mainstay of campus within the next few months, stating, “There will always be someone who needs a friend, I think.”

Until then, he will continue to hold meetings each week.

Nathan Green, faculty advisor for the club, said, “Honestly, I forgot that I was even a part of that.”

The Vice President position would require a 20-hour per week commitment to Elliot, accompanying him on hikes and letting him win at video games. Anyone looking to apply for the position should attend the weekly meetings each Tuesday at 4 p.m. in Willow Park.

“Bring a frisbee and a smile,” Elliot said, tears streaming down his face.

Kendall Pack, a USU student and local humorist.

Student Facilities Manager changes Restroom Signs, Cements Coolness

Chad Little, manager of campus facilities and amateur swimsuit model, enacted the first change since being called into the position on Monday.

“I felt like the old restroom signs were archaic, tired, and, in effect, bogus,” Little said to reporters after taking a sip from a Sobe.

Little’s new policy requires all restrooms to exchange the traditional “men” and “women” gender signifiers for more contemporary terms.

“I decree that all restrooms formerly labeled ‘men’ shall now be labeled ‘dudes,’ and all restrooms once labeled ‘women’ shall be retitled ‘chicks,’” Little said, reading the decree from his iPad as he pulled a 720 on the half-pipe in his backyard.

Little later also added that “bros” would be acceptable for men’s restrooms and that “hotties” would be an alternative for women’s facilities.

When asked if he was worried that the term “hotties” might be seen as unisex, leading to confusion, a shirtless Little responded, “Co-ed restrooms? I decree it to be so.” He then proceeded to perform a backflip on a slack-line.

The change will occur campus-wide on October 17th to coincide with the birthday of David “Ziggy” Marley.

Hacky-Sack “Still Cool” says Local Entrepreneur

A staple of late 20th and early 21st century recreation among the cool, the hacky-sack has fallen out of popularity in recent years, replaced by activities such as slack-lining and competitive arson.

But local entrepreneur, Tad Applebee, believes that the hacky-sack is on the upswing.

On Wednesday, Applebee opened his store, Apple-Sacks, which specializes in the sale of homemade hacky-sacks.

Applebee told reporters, “Hacky-sacks are like ponytails on men, they fall out of popularity for a couple years and women are repulsed by it and your mother tells you to cut it off, but in your heart you know it’s coming back.”

Applebee refused to comment on his ponytail.

All the hacky-sacks at Apple-Sacks are made by Applebee and his son, Gary.

“This is our latest model,” Applebee said, holding up a misshapen mass of bulging fabric. “These things’ll sell like crazy once people realize we’re here.”

When asked for his thoughts on the new business and the future of hacky-sacks, Gary Applebee stated, “Whatever,” and returned to burning ants with a magnifying glass.

New Study Shows that You are hard to live with, Unloveable

A new study in this month’s issue of Scientific Journal shows that you are hard to live with and, in almost all cases, unloveable.

Eight of your nine previous roommates, including your parents, agreed that your hygiene is poor, especially during your constant attempt to “get into Rastafarianism.”

“You don’t even get it, Rastafarianism isn’t about dreadlocks, weed, and not bathing,” said your third roommate, who still has your copy of Burning Spear’s album, Hail Him, but hasn’t return it due to a lack of desire to talk to you.

In the study, your mother stated that she loves you, but it’s not easy, referring to you as, “The great trial of my faith.”

Your father claims that you are not his child and stated, “He must’ve been switched at birth by some scumbag doctor or voodoo nurse or some teenagers who didn’t want to accept the consequences of their disgusting actions.”

When interviewed, eight of your nine roommates said they would never live with you again. The only holdout is Steve, who said that you bought good food and he would, “Somehow deal with it if it means poptarts.”

The consensus within the scientific community is that you should grow up.

 by Kendall Pack, a USU student and local humorist.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The word “like” is running out

Students, friends -- we are in serious danger, and you need to be warned. I am truly sorry. These things will cripple your future and tear your family apart. Due to secretive measures by authorities that I will not name, the university is facing threats to our safety which have not yet been made public. Though it risks my academic career, and even my life, I feel the moral need to make you aware.

Certain USU resources are running so low there is a direct danger to our peaceful mountain valley. No, I am not concerned about environmental disasters and natural resources. Instead, there are other things upon which nearly every USU undergraduate's life depends.

Due to overuse and depletion, the university’s foundation is facing a more dangerous shortage than anything in human history. The word “like” is running out.

With too much use, words wear out and give up – words like “strumpet” and
“cornhole.”  My sources in California say that they have already run out of “like,” and huge migrations of morons are headed cross-country, desperate for a new way of life. Too much strain has already been put on other letters as well, such as Z, who was recently raped by local restaurant Burgerz Exprezz. Z may never be the same, and we can only hope it recovers.

Recently, I heard “like” used no less than 167 times in one morning while in the TSC, the library and in classes. I quietly made a tally, sobbing to myself and contemplating suicide. If we continue our addiction to this fine word, we will run out. If we lose this beautiful word,
what else do we have? Why even continue trying to communicate? Why even continue living?

I, for one, will heave my body into a trash compactor before I live in a world without it.
The word “like” is the most noble form of human communication; it's a pinnacle of human
intelligence. Utah State historians have traced the word back to 17,000-year-old cave paintings.

Underneath sketches of running bison, we can barely make out a letter L, which denotes its first appearance.

We know ancient Sumerians used it in writing, because a stone tablet recovered by archaeologists from a sandy burial site reads, “I'd really like me some toilet paper, like, about now.”

There is solid evidence that Stonehenge may have been a site for animal sacrifices to the word “like.” The stones are shaped like the letter L, which is mysteriously its second letter. Since “like,” by its nature, tends to like things, professionals, like myself, conclude that it must have liked animal sacrifices, too. Later translations reveal that the word migrated to Egypt where Cleopatra used it in hieroglyphics when describing nearly anything she thought was cute, including puppies and lipstick.

Alexander the Great powerfully proclaimed, while gazing upon his armies, “I came, I saw, and I, like, conquered.”

As Martin Luther King Jr. once proudly said, “I have, like, a dream.”

Great minds appear to have always used the word, because it denotes authority, respect and intelligence when speaking, by appealing to the less fortunate -- including the brave, mentally handicapped stars of Jersey Shore -- God bless them.

Let us not forget former President Ronald Reagan commanding Gorbachev, “Like, tear
down this wall, ‘n' stuff.”

Obviously, “like” is an essential cornerstone of our entire intellectual civilization – if we lose it
now, we will never go back. I have written President Obama, but he has not responded. No doubt he is in committee, or hiding, over the matter. When the word runs out, and college-age students start sounding like adults, I will have no choice but to strongly consider self-euthanasia. I hope you do too.


Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Traffic expert interviewed

Portions of an interview with a reporter and a campus traffic planner Don Askme, who is relatively new to the USU traffic planning function.

Q: One of the things we at the paper are quizzed about most from alumni and those who might not have been on campus for a while is ‘What happened to the 700 East entrance?’ In fact, just recently we had a guest whose first comment was “Why did they screw up the grand entrance to campus off of 400 North?” Some of us students are, well, newbies and haven’t known anything different, so can you respond to this question?


Q: Are you there?

A: Sorry, I was bit late. I had to arrive on campus from the west and had to weave through all those city streets and all. So, your question was about why we don’t have a perfectly efficient western entrance to campus … like in days past, eh?

Q: Yes, for starters.

A: Well, it’s all Boston’s fault.

Q: Boston?

A: Seems we had a president here once that loved consultants, especially East Coast consultants that would burn through campus in a couple days and give direction on what USU’s future ought to be. You know, consultants. Guys who don’t live here and don’t have to drive to work, but wear nice suits. There was one from Boston — and you know how famous Boston is for bad traffic — who got enamored with the idea that 500 North, coming from the west, should be designated as the entrance to campus. As you look up 500 North, you can see Old Main up there, you know, and it is kind of cool. Well, he just fell in love with the idea and put it in his report to make 500 North the main entrance to campus, like it is now.

Q: But 400 North is a more significant roadway. More cars can get to campus on that road than 500 North. Didn’t he take that into consideration?

A: Well, again, it’s that Boston thing, I think. Narrow streets of cobblestone. Nothing about efficiency, I don’t suppose. Plus I don’t think he drove around during the two days he was here.

Q: So, 400 North turning onto 700 East worked well at one time?

A: My records show it did. In fact, most users of that entrance loved turning onto campus and seeing the majestic Old Main Hill — the trees, the stately buildings, the sign welcoming visitors to campus. It was known to draw a tear to the eye of soft-hearted alumni, I’m told. And it was much easier to maneuver than 500 North. But I guess someone thought 500 North was safer or something.

Q: We did a quick field analysis of the two entrances and the old 400 North has maybe two pedestrian crossings to watch for while driving to campus. However, the current campus entrance, driving up 400 North to 600 East, turning north for one block to access 500 North, then turning east toward campus and finally turning north again to enter campus, well, we counted at least five pedestrian crossings. Plus, it would be one turn vs. three turns. So we are stumped how it is safer than the old way. Your thoughts?

A: Maybe pedestrians are faster now than they used to be.

Q: We also noticed that the new Boston-like entrance to campus forces visitors to weave through aging houses turned into apartments, cars parked on lawns and dozens of garbage cans along the roadways, the Black Beauties, as they are called. All one can see is, basically, the back end of cars, compared to the grand view of Old Main Hill from 400 North and 700 East. There’s really no comparison. And there is also an underground walkway from parking south of 400 North to Old Main Hill, so safely crossing 400 North really can’t be an issue, can it?

A: My records show that it was the construction of that walkway that brought about the use of 500 North as a temporary byway to campus. But I guess temporary got turned permanent for some reason.
I should also tell you that our office has also done field studies on the 500 North 600 East entrance and based on damage to our vehicles just driving down 500 North from campus, we are considering remaining that street.

Q: Ah, renaming it, like 700 North was renamed Big Blue Bull-evard as it comes through campus? That sort of thing?

A: Exactly. 

Q: What names have you considered?

A: We were leaning toward Axle-break Avenue or Bounce-along Boulevard for the 500 North 600 East intersection, but we’re not sure we can get that passed by Logan City. Besides, beauty, spaciousness, safety and efficiency are all overrated, aren't they?

Q: Maybe in Boston.